Self sabotage, a mental condition.
Ever sit down and think "I'm great at this. I have all my shit together." Then suddenly it's like a switch goes off in your head. All you can think about is your previous failures in this wild ride called life? Welcome to self sabotage.
You see, I'm incredible at being my own worst critic. I find myself wading through the phases of this life with complete skepticism of my own existence. Continually hyping myself up to realize at the end of the day that I still feel worthless and full of doubt. Analyzing every single thing I do and say. Hello again, self sabotage.
Self sabotage can make you feel weak, tired, and unforgiving. Always attacking myself for not being the being the best I can be, even if I tried really hard. I will commit to something, finish it, and still feel like I did everything wrong. Self sabotage has held me back from my greatest memories. It's like a constant reminder that I'm not perfect. A constant feeling of doubt with every minor aspect of my life. I am a positive person. I try to reflect the positivity I read about. I know the universe has me in its grasp, ever so gently protecting me. The moment that positivity wears off I'm drowning in a pool of pessimism, self pity, and resentment of my own existence.
It's like my brain has it's own "you're a piece of shit" department for personal attacks on myself. I often wonder if anyone else can relate to this type of self sabotaging behavior. If you also suffer from this mental condition, just know that even if you can't love yourself, I love you. We need to find a way to love ourselves to the best of our ability. I'm slowly finding ways to love myself more, and be kind to myself. You should too.